Sunday, June 24, 2012

i was in the 20 items or less line at walmart, in a crowd of people organized by invisible boundaries into impossibly long lines. the conversation of the two women confirmed how we all feel; we come here because it is cheap and convenient, but why can they never open more registers? the guy currently checking out had only two large red gatorades and a box of corn dogs. he looked slumped over and embarrassed, like he knew people were looking and judging him for his purchase. i suddenly wanted to hold his face, look him in the eye, and tell him that it was ok to be a lonely bachelor, purchasing his combination dinner/breakfast/lunch. I wanted to kiss his cheeks and make him feel special. but then i realized this was all my assumptions. here i am projecting my feelings of loneliness and insecurity on a man who could be anyone. a rapist, a great father, a killer, a caretaker... who am i? i'm just the girl that stands in line behind a man with only a can of baked beans. with my 3 bottles of wine and some cold medicine. i hope someone judged me as well.

i've been working on a photography project that i feel i'll never finish. it's so vital. my most honest, personal,  revealing, true art, concepted project yet. i won't even work on another photo or project until its completion. i refuse to do it in digital, which has made the progress even more slow going. i also only work on it when i am really feeling it - which is a total cop out. i feel it's completion coming. i know this because i am becoming a hermit again. turning inward. ignoring the tease of men and going out. i celebrated thoroughly the beginning of my summer and it has left me feeling hollow and lifeless. besides new orleans. new orleans was a breath of fresh air. but now that i am back, i have to breathe the air here. and this project will help me. i need my alone time. i have been surrounded by people every waking moment.

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