i am in beginning photography this semester. i took it to force myself to start shooting digital because it seemed like a push is what i needed. it's been interesting and enjoyable although I will always swear that film reigns supreme.

i have found myself exploring techniques and subject matter which I would normally stay away from. i've turned my f-stop up past 4 for the first time... (which was a requirement of our first assignment) i also was forced in our first assignment to blur and capture motion which influenced me in the following assignment. one more thing I have started is mastering Light Room and have started editing and manipulation my images which is something I rarely, if ever, do in my 35 mm work.

these were for our "sense of place" assignment and mine was the back seat of a car. there is a lot of personal information that i will omit for now that caused this project to blossom, but i learned a lot about my OCD and controlling nature in shooting and composition and the project was meant to be an exploration (and exploitation) of that. The loss and capture of my control over image making. I had someone else drive me around so I could shoot from the backseat and have no real command over what would be next on the route. i didn't look ahead but stayed focused out the window, through my lens as things flew by. a student in the class applauded me on my excellent framing and the straight horizontal lines seen in repetition throughout my slides. I confessed that I highly manipulated them to ensure that aesthetic. my ever insightful and opinionated teacher, Corbett Fogue (who is 2 years my junior, and a great fellow film photographer), pointed out that my need for control was seized as soon as I had the opportunity to gain it. in this case, through editing.

i love and hate the project as it was a great personal exercise as an artist, but a subject matter and aesthetic i find banal and i find myself longing to shoot these assignments with my film cameras...especially since my current assignment i am working on is the master/apprentice project, for which of course i chose the great master, William Eggleston who has a huge influence on my work.

i was in the 20 items or less line at walmart, in a crowd of people organized by invisible boundaries into impossibly long lines. the conversation of the two women confirmed how we all feel; we come here because it is cheap and convenient, but why can they never open more registers? the guy currently checking out had only two large red gatorades and a box of corn dogs. he looked slumped over and embarrassed, like he knew people were looking and judging him for his purchase. i suddenly wanted to hold his face, look him in the eye, and tell him that it was ok to be a lonely bachelor, purchasing his combination dinner/breakfast/lunch. I wanted to kiss his cheeks and make him feel special. but then i realized this was all my assumptions. here i am projecting my feelings of loneliness and insecurity on a man who could be anyone. a rapist, a great father, a killer, a caretaker... who am i? i'm just the girl that stands in line behind a man with only a can of baked beans. with my 3 bottles of wine and some cold medicine. i hope someone judged me as well.

i've been working on a photography project that i feel i'll never finish. it's so vital. my most honest, personal,  revealing, true art, concepted project yet. i won't even work on another photo or project until its completion. i refuse to do it in digital, which has made the progress even more slow going. i also only work on it when i am really feeling it - which is a total cop out. i feel it's completion coming. i know this because i am becoming a hermit again. turning inward. ignoring the tease of men and going out. i celebrated thoroughly the beginning of my summer and it has left me feeling hollow and lifeless. besides new orleans. new orleans was a breath of fresh air. but now that i am back, i have to breathe the air here. and this project will help me. i need my alone time. i have been surrounded by people every waking moment.

becca

 zephyr

lateesha

brittany

 

ina

bryan and i had just amicably ended our 3 year relationship this past thanksgiving. so i spent it with two of my best friend's, rosie and johaness.  we went to her father's girlfriend's sister's house for dinner where we gorged, drank, and napped. the best part was later that night. we all smoked and then went to best buy to photograph the people waiting in line for black friday deals. it was johaness's idea of course.  johaness loves the american experience and it has been mine and rosie's duty to show the austrian the best time while he's here with us. us three photographers, and her brother, who is a painter, all rode down to best buy. i only brought my favorite, broken, pocket 35 mm. i let the two digital kids go at it. i really didn't even feel like shooting. more just taking everything in and helping them out. the line was wrapped around the entire building at least four or five people deep. they were even showing previews and advertisements on a huge, make-shift screen outside. i kept thinking how i would never be one of the people who did things like that. wait in line all night for some highly discounted, material object? i won't even wait in lines at a theme park they are longer than 10 minutes. quality of time and experience.

i'm getting back 6 rolls of film on wednesday. i stood in the back of the store beside the only guy i've let touch my film for the past 2 years, and watched him process them the other night. i leaned my flu ridden self on the machine while we looked at the scans on the screen. he stayed open late just for me. but i can't pick them up until wednesday. that's when they are on sale. nothing exciting. some leftover birthday rolls i forgot about. there are a few gems. i now know why i was in no hurry to develop them. i plan to take this summer off from school and dedicate myself to shooting film.

 speaking of film guy, every time i am around him someone walks up and tells me how amazing he is and how i should never let him go. which we both find amusing, as we are not together.  i asked him if that happens to other people when he's hanging with them. i already know the answer. he's just one of those guys. that you just KNOW are awesome. a girl did it the other night he and i were drinking beers. she walked up to me and told me how amazing he is and then walked off. he thought she was hot, but could not remember where he knew her, or what her name was, which is not like him. so I did what every good friend would do. i tracked her down. found her in the women's restroom at the sink. walked up to her. straightened out her necklace and said, "you know, he and i are not together. how do you know him? what is your name again? he really is one of the greatest guys i know. are you single? you should hang out with him." then dried my hands and walked out to warn him of her arrival 2 seconds behind me. it didn't end up working out that night. but he told me that he added her on facebook. that's always a step in the "right" direction in today's world.

i have more rolls to develop. might try to make it down to my guy tonight. my history of photography class is incredible. i have many photo and video projects in the works. watching a lot of documentaries. about art and politics and science. speaking of politics, i recently started learning more about politics and getting slightly involved. i have a new tumblr. teh 2012 . i want to sing in a band so bad.

retrieved my favorite 35mm film camera from storage the other day. it still had a roll in it. went on a solo photo adventure monday evening and had the most incredible time. drove around and explored from sundown to late into the evening. i was so easily awed by everything around me. ended up developing two rolls that night. my personal projects are now closer to being complete, i feel invigorated and focused, and i am so beautifully content with myself.

full steam ahead. artist overdrive commence. hermit, elitist, pretentious mode begin. 

overdue. distracted. but back on course.