i will apply to yale soon.

college is so frantic, there is hardly time for personal reflection. i am learning so much, i can't tell if it's relevant to my own art anymore. sure know i don't have much time for it. just trying to find joy in reading about david, drouais, and girodet. at least crow makes it interesting. slacking on my research and my directed studies. supposed to be researching for an upcoming photography exhibit at the CAM. slowly becoming more involved. i think i just feel slighted, and guilty at my own lack of photography, that im revolting against whatever i can when really all i need to do is turn my camera on, and then i'd probably do a mental 180. it sure does travel with me. i think i need to revert to film again. i am purposely sabotageical.

this all sounds so self centered and loathing, and though i will never deny my absorption in self, i admit these are fleeting thoughts i have at this moment that i should probably cling to a little tighter. i'm yearning for a video project. i receive my new laptop on saturday, which should open up worlds of possibilities.

here is my unedited film new orleans experience... since technology has failed me and now await the merging of my laptop and external drive.

boston, ma 

unedited film

some unedited film from europe.

updated the website.

i graduate in december.

planning a solo exhibition.

embracing digital and new media.

end of the semester madness/scramble.

evolving slowly and establishing new concepts.

ramblings...

i've somehow made the transition from extreme formalist and modernist, to being completely immersed in postmodernism. i am not sure when the shift happened...but the realization came today in my seminar class: re-making art in the 80's. i was so consumed with ideas of my own art and metamorphosis that i couldn't concentrate on the ideas we were trying to grasp in our readings.

i am not disappointed in my change of attitude towards art and my own processes. i am slightly thrilled. ever since january of last year, i felt that everything encompassing my existence has been on the steady incline. there have been many positive changes, and huge advances still in the works. (typing of changes... i keep adjusting and updating my website. i also got rid of facebook. i don't find a need in it. maybe one day i will again.)

i've come to realize that not only is my art and photography an all consuming passion of mine... but i've finally admitted that if i am not progressing, or making art on the daily, i feel as though i am failing as a human. maybe not as a human, but as an artist? (this became instilled in myself in 2008 by a j.m.b aka: worm) never mind. it doesn't bother me. i feel i am making art even when i am sitting still and thinking of nothing. how pretentious of me. modesty has never been one of my strong points anyhow.

i recently decided that i should start keeping up with what is going on in the art world today. not even 24 hours passed before i decided the opposite. in the history of art in contemporary life, we analyze and look to the canons that have passed before us and decide to partake, or to go against the grain and invent something new...and depending on whose theory you are most comfortable with, you reject the one before and cling to the new or you blah blah blah. i don't care. i feel the same way about the news and the weather. they happen. over and over, every single day, and they've been happening. it's all so predictable. so i could really care less what others are doing with photography and art. i have a grasp on the past and artistic conventions and i bet i could even predict the newest trends with all of them. it is the end of art. we are beyond PoMo and the contemporary. i still hold some dignity and refuse to let camera phones, instagram, and the likes enter into the framework, unless there is a strong, conceptual base to the series.

here is a sneak peek to some exclusive, new digital work:

 

i am in beginning photography this semester. i took it to force myself to start shooting digital because it seemed like a push is what i needed. it's been interesting and enjoyable although I will always swear that film reigns supreme.

i have found myself exploring techniques and subject matter which I would normally stay away from. i've turned my f-stop up past 4 for the first time... (which was a requirement of our first assignment) i also was forced in our first assignment to blur and capture motion which influenced me in the following assignment. one more thing I have started is mastering Light Room and have started editing and manipulation my images which is something I rarely, if ever, do in my 35 mm work.

these were for our "sense of place" assignment and mine was the back seat of a car. there is a lot of personal information that i will omit for now that caused this project to blossom, but i learned a lot about my OCD and controlling nature in shooting and composition and the project was meant to be an exploration (and exploitation) of that. The loss and capture of my control over image making. I had someone else drive me around so I could shoot from the backseat and have no real command over what would be next on the route. i didn't look ahead but stayed focused out the window, through my lens as things flew by. a student in the class applauded me on my excellent framing and the straight horizontal lines seen in repetition throughout my slides. I confessed that I highly manipulated them to ensure that aesthetic. my ever insightful and opinionated teacher, Corbett Fogue (who is 2 years my junior, and a great fellow film photographer), pointed out that my need for control was seized as soon as I had the opportunity to gain it. in this case, through editing.

i love and hate the project as it was a great personal exercise as an artist, but a subject matter and aesthetic i find banal and i find myself longing to shoot these assignments with my film cameras...especially since my current assignment i am working on is the master/apprentice project, for which of course i chose the great master, William Eggleston who has a huge influence on my work.

i was in the 20 items or less line at walmart, in a crowd of people organized by invisible boundaries into impossibly long lines. the conversation of the two women confirmed how we all feel; we come here because it is cheap and convenient, but why can they never open more registers? the guy currently checking out had only two large red gatorades and a box of corn dogs. he looked slumped over and embarrassed, like he knew people were looking and judging him for his purchase. i suddenly wanted to hold his face, look him in the eye, and tell him that it was ok to be a lonely bachelor, purchasing his combination dinner/breakfast/lunch. I wanted to kiss his cheeks and make him feel special. but then i realized this was all my assumptions. here i am projecting my feelings of loneliness and insecurity on a man who could be anyone. a rapist, a great father, a killer, a caretaker... who am i? i'm just the girl that stands in line behind a man with only a can of baked beans. with my 3 bottles of wine and some cold medicine. i hope someone judged me as well.

i've been working on a photography project that i feel i'll never finish. it's so vital. my most honest, personal,  revealing, true art, concepted project yet. i won't even work on another photo or project until its completion. i refuse to do it in digital, which has made the progress even more slow going. i also only work on it when i am really feeling it - which is a total cop out. i feel it's completion coming. i know this because i am becoming a hermit again. turning inward. ignoring the tease of men and going out. i celebrated thoroughly the beginning of my summer and it has left me feeling hollow and lifeless. besides new orleans. new orleans was a breath of fresh air. but now that i am back, i have to breathe the air here. and this project will help me. i need my alone time. i have been surrounded by people every waking moment.